"BUTT's journalistic genius, and integrity claims Army servicemen, National award in the works"
Now, we're neither the queen bee of Indian news, nor do we own a stake in the honeycomb of fair and balanced "Truth", NDTV. But we sure do wish we could influence the news-makers. Like Pakistan's current chart topper in the buttmunch, low-life, scumbag category: Mr Shoaib Malik. Don't take our word for it, just ask the Pakis themselves. Keep in mind, we're talking about a nation that has the patience and tolerance to negotiate with unadulterated evil, the Taliban. Yes, even the Pakis got sick of his shenanigans, and promptly slapped him with a lawsuit, and a year's ban from Cricket for being a thieving, conniving, match-fixing, obnoxious asshole. If you don't know yet, our dearest Forrest Hump was humping India's top, and the the world's most mediocre rack, err, racquet wielding tennis star - Sania Mirza, while being married to a certain Ayesha, finally ended up divorcing the latter, and marrying the former.
Remember to put the ensuing piece of advice under the 'favorite quotes' section of your miserable Facebook profiles. Shoaib: Use the 'head' on your shoulders, at least as much as the one at the tip of your, you-know-what! Being a Muslim man, there was absolutely no need for you to part with that hard-embezzled money, as alimony to Ayesha. Why you ask? Because, as George Orwell so eloquently put it in his 1945 classic - Animal Farm, ''Some Animals are more equal than the other". We're referring to polygamy being legal, for Indian Muslims, while the remaining 85% of the population are fated to put up with the same damn nagging woman for the rest of their lives. No props for guessing Pakistan and Dubai, the other two possible destinations for 'Shonia', allow for a man to be clinically promiscuous, under the guise of wedlock and religion.
You're welcome, Shoaib, and we're willing to waive the fess for the aforementioned legal punditry, if you promise to follow your, ahem, head and not ignore the primeval call of booty. The great state of India urges you to fornicate with another chicklet. Make Sania very jealous & insecure, threaten to go through the nuptial vows, the third time over. That ways, every time Sania looks a tennis ball, she's thinking of yours - and WHAM, she'll be hitting it faster than the supersonic speed with which she broke off her first engagement.
Our futuristic predictive partner match algorithm will assist you in your bang-athon, given your tastes are - "stupid Muslim woman of Indian origin, single/engaged, beauty a big bonus" (His first marriage epitomizes the old adage, 'Love is Blind'. Like a 12 year old dog with severe cataract blind. Look below if you don't believe me ).
First pick - Himesh Reshamiah:
First pick - Himesh Reshamiah:
- His singing is more nasal (hence feminine) than snot, sure to get simian Shoaib's juices flowing, given its frequency is in the ballpark of the Ape mating call.
- Has no problem kinking it up with a burqa/hijab (see photo below), just the way you like it.
- More menstrual-drama filled than, well, any other woman in the world. If that doesn't qualify him, PMS is fiction!
Second Pick - Isabel Kaif
- Half Indian Muslim, so fits the bill.
- Is OK with taping it. So if your cricket career is dying out, like now, you could fill the coffers with a sex tape, or two.