Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sania Scales WTP Rankings as Shoaib's Buggery Continues.

The Kash&Curry news team strictly adheres to the noble tenets of journalism with dear life-spiked-with-satire, like: 'Report the news without interfering with it'. Much like India's top journo Barkha Dutt, or BUTT as she calls herself on twitter (everyone knows a 'D' between a 'B' and a 'U' is phonetically silent, Einstein!). Cutback to the time BUTT gallantly revealed the GPS co-ordinates of that overworked, underpaid, under-trained and under-equipped Indian Army regiment fighting in the Kargil war, live on NDTV. Which resulted in more news, headlining as follows, on

"BUTT's journalistic genius, and integrity claims Army servicemen, National award in the works"

Now, we're neither the queen bee of Indian news, nor do we own a stake in the honeycomb of fair and balanced "Truth", NDTV. But we sure do wish we could influence the news-makers. Like Pakistan's current chart topper in the buttmunch, low-life, scumbag category: Mr Shoaib Malik. Don't take our word for it, just ask the Pakis themselves. Keep in mind, we're talking about a nation that has the patience and tolerance to negotiate with unadulterated evil, the Taliban. Yes, even the Pakis got sick of his shenanigans, and promptly slapped him with a lawsuit, and a year's ban from Cricket for being a thieving, conniving, match-fixing, obnoxious asshole. If you don't know yet, our dearest Forrest Hump was humping India's top, and the the world's most mediocre rack, err, racquet wielding tennis star - Sania Mirza, while being married to a certain Ayesha, finally ended up divorcing the latter, and marrying the former.

Remember to put the ensuing piece of advice under the 'favorite quotes' section of your miserable Facebook profiles. Shoaib: Use the 'head' on your shoulders, at least as much as the one at the tip of your, you-know-what! Being a Muslim man, there was absolutely no need for you to part with that hard-embezzled money, as alimony to Ayesha. Why you ask? Because, as George Orwell so eloquently put it in his 1945 classic - Animal Farm, ''Some Animals are more equal than the other". We're referring to polygamy being legal, for Indian Muslims, while the remaining 85% of the population are fated to put up with the same damn nagging woman for the rest of their lives. No props for guessing Pakistan and Dubai, the other two possible destinations for 'Shonia', allow for a man to be clinically promiscuous, under the guise of wedlock and religion.

You're welcome, Shoaib, and we're willing to waive the fess for the aforementioned legal punditry, if you promise to follow your, ahem, head and not ignore the primeval call of booty. The great state of India urges you to fornicate with another chicklet. Make Sania very jealous & insecure, threaten to go through the nuptial vows, the third time over. That ways, every time Sania looks a tennis ball, she's thinking of yours - and WHAM, she'll be hitting it faster than the supersonic speed with which she broke off her first engagement.

Our futuristic predictive partner match algorithm will assist you in your bang-athon, given your tastes are - "stupid Muslim woman of Indian origin, single/engaged, beauty a big bonus" (His first marriage epitomizes the old adage, 'Love is Blind'. Like a 12 year old dog with severe cataract blind. Look below if you don't believe me ).

First pick - Himesh Reshamiah:
  • His singing is more nasal (hence feminine) than snot, sure to get simian Shoaib's juices flowing, given its frequency is in the ballpark of the Ape mating call.
  • Has no problem kinking it up with a burqa/hijab (see photo below), just the way you like it.
  • More menstrual-drama filled than, well, any other woman in the world. If that doesn't qualify him, PMS is fiction!

Second Pick - Isabel Kaif
  • Half Indian Muslim, so fits the bill.
  • Is OK with taping it. So if your cricket career is dying out, like now, you could fill the coffers with a sex tape, or two.
Opps, that second pick was a technical glitch - bad bad algorithm! NO way in hell that freckled, fiery crotched princess will EVER breed with you. Now, be a good doggie and hump Himesh's leg!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Goldman "Sacks" a merger deal between the Taliban and Ram Sena. Calls it God's Work!

22 March 2010. Fremont, CA.

After successfully wrecking the US, and World economies, Goldman Sachs has set its benevolent eyes on the sub-continent. Head of business development for South Asia said, "These fucks in India are still growing at a healthy 6%, with plenty of cash and no credit crunch. We have our work cut out here! ". Speaking of the local challenges Goldman was facing, he said "Their market is completely unpredictable. I mean, we hire a bunch of these slumdog Math-Geeks, and they fail miserably at modeling India's markets. After intensive research, we've concluded that the major parameter driving Bombay is sheer emotion and spirituality - NOT logic."

That realization led to one of the biggest deals of 2010, for the mergers and acquisitions dept. of Gooldman, they've been chosen by the Taliban and Ram Sena to oversee the merger of the two organizations. In a statement last night, a spokesman said "We wanted to bring peace to the warring Hindu-Muslim factions in India, and what better way to build bridges, than share our common hatred of women!. India has a long tradition of treating women like shit, and the Ram Sena are hell bent on taking it back to the GLORY days of Sati (Widow burning), and the general downtrodden-ment prevalent in medieval times. The Taliban were an obvious ally, having successfully meted out barbarism in the name of religion, across 2 countries". A Goldman spokesman further added, "We were their first choice, given our top brass is a 100% male, denying good jobs to women since our inception. In fact, the only women you'll find at Goldman are the pretty, young, busty blondes as office and personal secretaries, if you know what I mean", winking shamelessly. "If only our women loved the flogging as much as the Taliban's women in Swat valley, we'd have a more 'vibrant' work culture", he said, in what can only be interpreted as a clear reference to the lack of sadomasochism in their current workplace sex-culture / policy.

In response to the news, the VHP put out the following statement: "We've historically been the forerunners in mistreating women, and the society at large. Our party workers are handpicked by a special panel, carefully filtering the half-assed wife beaters, and recruiting the more violent kerosene-wife-burning types. We're also STRONGLY opposed to the Burqa (Islamic veil), as it takes away the satisfaction of seeing pain on the victim's face!"

Our Delhi correspondent sat down with the Imam of the Juma Masjid, long known to be the beacon of secularism, tolerance and sanity in India.

K&C: "What is your opinion on the merger of the Taliban and Ram Sena?"
Imam: "That Barkha Dutt is a fucking embarrassment to Delhi, no, make that India. Do you really have to get a degree from Columbia University to know that live-beaming the position of the Commandos involved in the 26/11 rescue operations is like giving thieves a map of your house, with directions to the safe, marked in red! Oh, and she can't fucking handle criticism, so much so for the tenets of free speech, she tears down Chyetanya Kunte's blog and demands an unconditional apology for defaming her god-given journalistic right to kill servicemen! Call me a terrorist instead of giving her a fucking national award! And Barkha, learn TV-journalism from Maya Sharma in Bangalore!"

K&C: "Sir-ji, your answer has nothing to do with the question I asked you"
Imam: "You're one fucking buzz-kill, you know that? Me and my home boys are still high from last night's frat party at the Aligarh Muslim University, after taking that faggot Hindu professor down, we just fucking binged and smoked up. And which fucking language is the word 'Sir-ji' from? You do know that HinGlish is NOT real! Its for pricks from Delhi, and other linguistically challenged areas, roughly spanning 35% of India, that actually speaks/understands/cares for Hindi. The rest of the nation is having a ball, making fun of your supposed 'coolness', while you waltz around flinging HinGlish terms like clueless jackasses. For God's sake, get your head out of yours ass and stop shoving Hindi down others' throats, in the name of nationalism. Its JUST a fucking language, no better than any other in India."

K&C: "You still havent answered my question".
Imam: "Oh that! Fuck it, who cares. Ahmed, WHERE the fuck is my Hookah boy?! It better be here pronto, or I'll ship you off to the Vatican, to be their bitch"